The diary of a real evil prick
by OFFICIAL CHOPS WRITING
Summary: The diary of Bakura, Theif King etc.. His recording of his daily events and the inner feels that he never thought that he had...Pool parties being crashed, sexual fantasies, mood light stripping Bakura has it all within his journal.
1. Snowballs with Kaiba

The Diary of a Real Evil Prick

The title of this story is credited to George Carlin; as it really suit's the content of the story I decided to use this title. I do not own Yu-Gi-Oh or the characters

MONDAY

Today was such great fun! While Ryou was out at school, Marik and I decided to go out and have a little bit of fun. We went to Kaiba's company and hid in the bushes with tons of snowballs. Every time that someone left the building we would hit them in the face with a snowball. It was funniest when Kaiba was on his cell phone and the snowball that I threw hit him in the face, he dropped his cell phone and slipped on a slick patch in the parking lot. The best part of it all was that his ass crushed his cell phone. Personally, I don't think that the person on the other end of the phone noticed anything any different; they were still talking to an asshole.

The day got even better! While Ryou was cooking I threw a tennis ball covered with dog shit into the soup that he was making for himself. Thankfully he had his head in the fridge while I stirred the tennis ball around in the soup making sure that all the dog shit was off of it. I was able to fish the ball out right before he turned around to ask me what I was doing. I gave him an innocent smile and said that I was waiting for him to finish cooking I on the other hand would never eat the fowl concoction anyway, so I did not have to think up an excuse for not eating the soup. Ryou enjoyed his soup and said that it was the best soup that he had ever eaten in his life. I told him that it was the special ingredient that I had added for him. He turned slightly green and asked me what I had added to his soup. I grinned and told him that I had added an old tennis ball covered in old dog shit. I enjoyed watching him pass out and the rest of his soup pour onto his lap when his noggin pushed the bowl over.

Yes, over all it was a good day. Tomorrow will probably not disappoint. Yugi had invited Ryou to his pool party at the local pool…and I got an invite as well. Maybe I can drown the Pharaoh or pull his swim trunks off or something. I cannot wait for tomorrow! I have so much energy…maybe I should call Marik. Yeah! Now where the fuck is that telephone…?


	2. The pool party of a giant asshole

THE DIARY OF A REAL EVIL PRICK: ENTRY 2

TUESDAY 

Kaiba's pool party. Just snuck in into the party and this feels great. We had a little trouble getting in though. Marik got his pants caught on the fence and he refused to take his pants off to let me get his pants off. Only when the pit bull from across the street sauntered over and tried to bite his ass. Now to find Yami…he said that he was going to be here. What a moron. He is hiding behind the cooler talking to Ryou. Marik and I run over to Yami and rip his swim trunks off. We then toss him into Kaiba's pool. Mokuba passes out and Kaiba's head explodes into a thousand pieces. I go up to Kaiba and tell him that he has never looked better. He dumps bean dip on my head. I send him to the shadow realm and watch as Yami tries to get out of the pool without Tea looking at his crotch. The poor guy…I forgot about that bitch. She says that she'll help him out of the pool and Yami pretends to have drowned in the pool.

I dive into the water and float next to the Pharaoh. I whisper that he could just hide his ding-dong behind the puzzle…after all it is small enough to hide it. Yami hits me with a inflatable pool toy that resembles a giant penis. I expected this from Pegasus not Kaiba. Then again, he was eyeing Joey all party long and he was wearing a Speedo. Just then it hits me that all of Kaiba's party favors are shaped like giant dicks! I point this out to Yami and this time he really does almost drown in the pool. Too bad…maybe next time. My watch beeps and I remember that I had to go and pick up the surprise for the party. I return Kaiba from the shadow realm as I could heard the shadow monster's screaming that his ego was crushing them.

I tell Ryou, Malik and Marik that I need to take off for a minute. Ryou says that he wants to go along with me. I am too excited to argue, so I take him along with me. He looks at me surprised when we pull up to the Photo Hut Photo Booth. I tell him to wait and that I would be back in a second. I glance at the photo that I had them enlarge and frame. This would be perfect. I had to duct tape it to the roof of the car, that is a small unconvince, but the look on Kaiba's face would be so worth it. Marik helped me sneak it into the party, just as Kaiba was announcing that they were out of cocktail franks. Joey interrupts and says, "Not if you count Yami's!" I may not like that infected testicle, but that was fuckin' funny. 

Marik gets Kaiba's attention by flashing the party and saying that if not everybody looked, the ones would did not look would get a Preparation H bomb shoved up their asses. I pulled the sheet off of the photo. Yami threw up into the pool and Ryou put on his glasses, as if to confirm that he saw what he thought he saw . Kaiba fell into the pool and nearly drown. Tea pulled him out of the pool with the help of Joey. I don't think that Kiba likes the picture of him in a suit that had the crotch cut out revealing a massive boner while spanking Bandit Keith who was wearing nothing but high heels. Kaiba thanks Tea for pulling him out of him out of the pool She says what are friends for. I get sick all over my favorite shoes.


	3. cell phones that scratch your balls

THE DIARY OF A REAL EVIL PRICK

WENSDAY

I cannot stand all of this stupid friendship shit. If I hear one more thing I swear…that's it! I am having my ears shown shut. That should take care of that. Ra, My life has gone downhill since the days of fucking with the Pharaoh. Can't fuck around with him anymore all he does now is sit around Yugi's house and hallucinate all day. My life is now a flaming ball of shit. There is nothing to while Marik is on vacation…I wish that I was dead at the moment. Yeah, if I was dead I could have a lot of fun. Maybe I could like back on a cloud and take a fuckin' harp lesson. What am I going to do now? I could always hang around with Ryou; then again today I have a low tolerance for stupid bullshit. By Ra I have got it! I will go out shopping. Get Marik a present to give to him when he gets back.

I guess that I have to take the car because Ryou took the bike to Joey's house. Fuckin' Joey…too bad I don't know how to drive. I guess that I will have to learn as I go along. 

That was one hell of a ride! People sure like to wave at me…my question is why? There is nothing really to like about me except for my dashing good looks, sex appeal and my skill. I wonder what things are at the mall for me today. Maybe I can pick up something for Ryou as well; gotta keep that little fucker busy.

While at the mall I run into Malik, and he asks if I want to hang out with him. I go along with him because I am so board. I actually am having a good time with him. He should be back any minute, he just ran into Victoria's Secret. Probably to pick up something for Kaiba. As Malik comes out of the store a child and his mother go by and Malik sighs. He asks me if the kid was cute. I nearly pass out and fall into the fountain that is behind me. I yell out, "Look at the fuckin' head on the kid! I swear to Ra, he is probably on you ! All the kids here are fuckin' goofy looking!" Malik just looks at me…this fucker is no fun. I tell him that I am gonna go and check out the new Hooters at the mall and he tells me that he has to go. Just when I am about to kill someone out back I run into the best thing in the world and I know that I have to have it. It is a cell phone that makes pancakes and scratches your balls. Just what I need! Now I won't need Ryou anymore…that is modern convince for ya. I ask the woman to check the price on the phone and while she is turned around I steal the fuckin' thing. I hide it in my pants and flee the mall. 

As soon as I get home I try out my new toy. Ryou is in the kitchen making tea so I snatch the opportunity to steal his favorite chair. I am trying out my new toy when Ryou walks into the living room and drops the pot of tea that he is holding. He manages to walk over to me and ask me what the hell I have. I grin at him. "It is a cell phone that makes pancakes and scratches your balls." He asks me where I got it and I told him that I got it at the five finger discount at the mall. He looks puzzled and tells me that he did not know that there were not any new stores at the mall. I raise my eyebrows and he gets the message. 

While flipping through the TV channels I find the perfect gift for Marik. A GPS system for his lawnmower; Just in case he ever gets lost out on the lawn. That sounds like a plan to me. Must make a note to go and pick that up tomorrow. I am going to hit the hay.


	4. Bonfires and sexual moments

THE DIARY OF A EVIL PRICK ENTRY 4

Thursday

End of this entry has extreme sexual content and language. Just to let you know

I am starving! There is nothing to fuckin' eat in this place…okay there is, but I do not know how to work the fancy tools that Ryou has in the kitchen. I guess that I will have to do it the old fashion way. I have two options. A) Go to Marik's house and have Izishu make something for me or B) Make a bonfire and roast something. I like option B much better.

I reached the back porch of the apartment and found out that I have no room to grill out here. Wait! I see an empty lot right behind the building that looks promising. Now all I need is some firewood. I didn't see any in the lot so I guess that I will have to chop up the sofa and burn that. It is a hideous thing anyway-cream and flower print. Every time I look at it I gag. No need to wonder why I don't spend a lot of my time in the family room.

Dragging that sofa out of the building was harder that I thought it would be. I had a hell of a time getting it into the elevator. I had to drag it through the front door, and while I was at it I manage to drop the sofa on Ryou's neighbor's cat. I guess it was not a total waste of my time. Now all I need is something to start that fire with…cooking oil! Ryou has some of that. I flee back to the apartment and select a cooking oil that I feel will burn nicely. All I have to do now is find something to roast…I have it! I head back downstairs with the neighbor's fish bowl and the body of that cat that I dropped the sofa on. This should make a good meal. If not I will wait until Ryou gets home and eat him…but if I am not quite so hungry I will invite Yugi over for a bonfire. I'll put him between two gram crackers and a piece of chocolate. Now I am getting creative! Holy shit. Charles Manson never thought of this shit now did he. Guess I am the better man.

Just as I am about to poor the cooking oil all over the sofa a copper walks by. He eyes me suspiciously and I tell him that I am only bring my mother's new sofa into the apartment. It is a birthday gift for her. He smiles and walks off. I chuckle. Stupid fuck wait! I could have eaten him. I guess Marik and I will have to do that when we go camping next week. That reminds me, I still have to pack for this occasion. As soon as I poor and light the cooking oil I call Yugi and invite him over posed as Ryou. He says that he will be there in 10 minutes and that he would bring over some gram crackers for the s'mores. Perfect! Just enough time to get the fire nice and hot to roast him over. I roast and devour the cat. I must say it was the best that I have fuckin' had. Must ask Ryou to make cat…perhaps he could fry it or something.

I am finishing up my fish diner when Yugi arrives at the fire. I act all sweet and ask him if he would like anything to drink. I go and get him a can of soda but before I do I put a little Nyquil in it. He drinks half of it when I hand it to him. Sleep well fucker. As soon as he is asleep I tie him up on the roasting stick that I have fashioned for myself. I am about to put him over the flames when I hear a girly scream behind me. I don't have time to turn around before Ryou has ripped my roaster of my hands and is trying to wake Yugi up. He yells at me for about an hour and has me untie Yugi and tell him that I am sorry. What a load of shit. I was hungry and in this world only the best survive. It is not my fault that Yugi is lower than me on the food chain. Ryou is silent as we walk into the apartment. His eyes explode when he looks into the living room to find that the sofa is gone. He asks me where the sofa is and I tell him that he knows where it is. Yugi was just over it. He passes out in the doorway. I decide not to eat him. Maybe tomorrow, as I have plans tonight.

LATER

Well, I must say that I, Bakura, have made a mistake today. I will never make this mistake again. I still am amazed at what happened. As you know, I hade plans this evening…so I go out and pick up this chick that I met in a bar that I was at the other night. We start kissin' and rubbing. It is getting all hot and heavy at the local club. Ryou was supposed to be at Yugi's tonight, so I knew that the house was going to be free. I suggested that we go to my place. She nods and is all over me as we get in the taxi to go to Ryou's apartment. I enjoy the blow job that she gives me on the way home and I am totally aroused. We are both half naked as we stumble into the dark apartment. We knock over the umbrella holder right next to the door but neither of us seem to care. I tell her to head to the bedroom while I get us some more to drink. She stubbles to the bedroom and I know that it is going to be a good night…and most importantly I will not get caught.

I head to the bedroom with a couple bottles of vodka and I am too fucked up at the moment to notice that the umbrella stand was picked up and back in order. I get into the bedroom and she is naked sprawled out on my bed. I rip off my pants (the only thing that I have on) and jump onto the bed next to her. We start to talk dirty and we start rubbing and sucking. It was a good night so far! Just as soon as she gets on top of me the door opens up and Ryou looks shocked at the scene that he had just walked into. He covers his eyes and shouts something about being sorry. He runs out of the room faster than me fleeing a tomb. After that the mood had been killed and I walk her to the front door. We make plans for next week, next time at her place.

As soon as she is gone I go to the kitchen and I see Ryou sitting there with a mug of tea in front of him. When he sees me he rambles about how he is sorry. I ask him why he walked into the room anyway. He told me that he heard me saying that "I was known for rippin' the pussy walls." and that he wanted to know if I was okay. Well, what a show. I told him that I was fine and I flee to my room. I hope he feels guilty. Teaches that fuck to knock, now doesn't it.


	5. ball waxing and church moments

The diary of a real evil prick

Thursday

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Yu-Gi-Oh, The "ow, my balls tv show that Bakura is watching, but I do own the plotline of this story. I do not wish to offend anyone in this story, they are only figures of speech and they are not directed at anyone. That is rather mean to do.

When I heard about the pharaoh getting caught playing with himself I nearly died of laughter! I wish that I could have been there to see his face. Well, there is always next time. But just when I thought that I had gotten enough excitement for one day, I catch word of him shaving his balls and Yugi's grandfather walks in on him and catches him in the act. Could this day get any better? I think not…though there is a slight chance of that occurring.

Better than that, I found out that the great Seto Kaiba is emo. Yes, you hear me correctly, he is emo. I guess that explains why his jeans are so tight and he always has those wrist guards on. Maybe he will kill himself…Hooray! I look forward to that day. Do you know what really bothers me about Kaiba is his hard on Jacket. That jacket just screams, "Hi I like to fuck guys." But then again who am I to comment on Seto Kaiba's anal pleasures?

Well at least Ryou learned how to knock. I decided that shaving your balls is a good look so I decided to wax mine. Shaving takes too much time, and I am a busy man. I pulled the first wax strip and nearly died. It felt as if someone had set fire to my nuts. Ryou hears my cries of pain and knocks on the door. He opens it a crack to see a wax strip laying on the bathroom sink covered in hair. He comes into the room and asks me what I am doing. I tell him that I am trying to wax by balls. He tells me that I am doing it all wrong. That I should go side to side. I try that method and it hurts a lot less…wait! That could only mean one thing. RYOU WAXES HIS BALLS TOO!

As soon as I realize this I pass out cracking my noggin on the bathroom sink on the way down. Thoughts of Ryou with his leg up on the counter waxing himself only makes my head ache even worse. I need to start smoking again.

Now that I no longer have a concussion, I can carry out my latest and greatest plan! I came up with this idea when I was watching my new favorite TV show, "Ow my balls." If you have not seen this show, I recommend that you do so at once. I find it rather good. I am going to shave the pharaoh's head and with his hair I shall fashion myself a new pair of underpants. I must get Marik to assist me with this. Someone needs to hold his ass down and he is a strong little fucker!

I just got off the phone with Marik; he can't come over today to help me with my plan; he has yoga classes and he just can't miss it. What the fuck? What is the point of having friends if they go to yoga? I hope that he does not become a granola-eating tree hugger. That would really suck. Ryou is headed to church and he asks me if I would like to go along. Seeing that I have nothing better to do with my time, I went with him, and let me tell you, I had a great time.

When I get to the church I really have to take a shit, but Ryou has disappeared somewhere so I can't ask him where the bathrooms are. I glance around for a sign or something, and I find them. I thought that indoor porter potties were rather cheap. That is the kind of shit that Kaiba would pull. I really have to take a shit so I run into one of them and pull down my pants. The first thought that I had was "These seats are great!" And I loved the fact that they had reading material in the bathroom. That is important in my book. Ryou knows that I have to have a stack of reading material in my bathroom, and if I don't I will go and take a shit near his bookshelf, where I have reading material. I can't take a shit without reading material…kind of like how the pharaoh cannot swim without his water wings on. I just happen to have a copy of hustler with me so I do not have to peruse the material that they have here looking for a good article. So a few minutes go by and I am reading Hustler, then some guy starts talking to me. I yell out, "What the fuck? Don't you have any manners?" Then I notice that there is a little window in one of the sides of the porter Potty. Then the thought creeps into my mind, "what kind of sick fucks, put a window in a porter potty. Fuckin' Japanese…." I don't let that distract me from my work so I finish up to find out that there is no fuckin' toilet paper. Great…Then I remember that little window. I look through it and I yell to the guy next me (yes the one who interrupted me while I was taking a shit) "Hey? I need some assistance in here, I need some Paper." They guy tells me to use the Bible, and that it will help me through all of the problems that I am dealing with. I find the bible sitting right next to me and I am like, " HOT FUCK! PAPER!" I thank the guy, rip out a few sheets of paper and wipe my ass. All is quiet as I am getting ready to get up and leave. Then the fuckin' door opens and this woman catches me with my pants down around my ankles. She screams and the attention of the whole church is focused on me. I run out of there and Ryou is right behind me. He wants to know why I ruined the mass. I tell him that woman needs to learn how to knock and that no man should be interrupted while taking a shit. All the color drains out of his face and he nearly makes it home. As soon as we get home he informs me that they were not porter potties and that they were confessionals; places where people go to confess what they have done… Really, I don't see a big deal here….there is already a lot of shit floating around in there. After all it is a confessional.


	6. window smoking and christmas list

The diary of a real evil prick

Disclaimer: I do not own Yu-Gi-Oh. I do own the plot of this story. Please enjoy this story and it's purpose…which is to…I dunno. Just enjoy it.

Thursday

Today has been a horrid day. Ryou has told me that I have to quite smoking or else I will have to move out and get a new place. It is hard to deal with this shit and with Marik around it is harder to keep my word on not smoking. That arrogant fuck has already smoked three packs and he has been here an hour. Ryou is down in the kitchen, leaving me alone in my bedroom with Marik trying not to steal one of his cigarettes and smoke it. He opens up an new pack, lights one up and blows a smoke ring in my face. That's it. I crack. I grab the cigarette out of his mouth and tell him that I have to smoke it. Marik hold me by my ankles as I hang out the window to smoke the cigarette. This way Ryou will have no knowledge that had a cigarette so I can keep living here. I finish the cigarette and inhale deeply. I toss the butt of the cigarette and have Mark pull me back in through the window. What I did not know was that Yami was walking underneath my window at the time and the cigarette butt that I tossed landed in his hair. When I hear screams of pain, Marik and I open the window, full of excitement only to see Yami running around screaming that his head is on fire…the smoke blocked most of our view, so we ran out of the building to get a better look. We arrived outside to see that Ryou was there dumping water on Yami to put out the fire. Marik and I are paralyzed with laughter. Yami's tallest spike is all burnt and smoking slightly. Ryou says that he has no idea where the cigarette could have come from. The two stand there looking at the building. Ryou raises and eyebrow at me and I smirk at him. Fuck him! Let him think that I had nothing to do with it.

Now Marik has gone home and I have nothing to do but sit around the house and sulk. Ryou tells me to go and see if there is anything good on tv. I am flipping for a few channels and I stop when I see this real hot girl. I am memorized by this woman's chest melons. Ryou walks in and sits down next to me. He glances at the screen and nearly spills the popcorn all over the floor. He tells me that the woman on the screen is a cartoon. I get all crestfallen and give him the remote. Why are all the hot women cartoons? Life just is not fair.

Just to make things even worse Christmas is around the corner…that horrid hypocrite holiday! It reminded me when I saw the Santa movie marathon announced on the TV. Don't these people have anything better to do with their lives than talk about all this mindless shit? Guess not. If they did they would have real lives and their sex lives would be great. I guess that means that I have to go and get gifts for all of the "friends" that I have in my life. Ryou must know what I am thinking because next he suggests that we both write out Christmas lists for Santa and a list that we can do our shopping off of. Like hell that will happen. He pleads with those puppy dog eyes so I decide that this list making cannot be all bad. So here is my list, read it if you must. I won't be giving this to Santa because I think that he is a sneaky fuck. Breaking into your house to leave gifts and steal nothing?! What a sick fuckin' bastard. Then the Pharaoh complains that Marik and I are deranged. I cannot wait to here his thoughts on the Jolly St. Nick. I know what I will give him for Christmas. A trip to the shadow realm; it is lovely this time of year.

On second thought another thing has come along to push me to the edge farther. Ryou has just informed me that we are going to be going over to Kaiba's for Christmas. Why the fuck do we have to do that? Why can't he just rent a family for the holidays? Or is he wants to go even cheaper than that he can always zoom down to the Salvation army and pick himself up a family for cheap. Anyway, I must be getting on with my list.

Bakura's Christmas list

Things that I shall be getting the assholes in my life.

The Pharaoh: Hair gel made with bull sperm. Must ask Marik to see if he would be willing to donate for this occasion.

Ryou: A cookbook with all of my favorites. That way he won't have to spent time picking his teeth up off the floor when he doesn't make what I like. This will also save me time in beating the shit out of him when he does fuck my meal up.

Kaiba: a pair of pj's. If I shall be forced to stay at his house over the holiday I do not want to see his naked ass. Also, he is a complete asshole and I respect assholes. One must have respect for their own kind.

Yugi: Miracle Grow. Every time he hugs me his nose stares my ball sac right in the eye. . I mean yeah, I like my balls to get their fair share of attention, but this is a little too much. I don't want Yugi rummaging around inside of my muff. Only the privileged can do that.

Tea: Herpes medication…Ra knows that she needs it. Even the Pharaoh stays away from here. And that guy will fuck anything and when I say anything, I mean anything, Once he tried to get it on with Ryou's new leather chair. He said that the chair was coming onto him. Yeah that is what he said about Kaiba's blue eyes statue in front of his mansion. I wonder if the cum stains have come off of it yet. I will ask Kaiba when I go over later this week. I think that I have photos of the pharaoh and the chair. Must look for them…

Joey: a comb. He should really run a comb through that pile of shit on his head that he calls hair. I think that It looks more like pubic wool. Yeah! A huge pile of pubic wool is on top of Joey's head. Wait a moment…I think I feel a song coming on.

"Pubic wool. Public wool. I really love you so. I really love the feeling that you give me down below. You make me laugh, you make me grin, sometimes you make my head spin. Oh, Public wool. Pubic wool, how I love you so. There is something deep inside telling me that you are the one for me."

Moving on…I really must get this finished. According to Ryou, we are going Christmas shopping tomorrow. Great. We have to go to that filth hole that he calls the mall. Piles of protoplasm lumbering though the mall is just what I wanted to see tomorrow. Anyways…

Tristan: This one is going to be rather hard…hmmm. BY RA! I HAVE GOT IT! I shall give him a certificate to go and get his hair done. I mean come on. The guy walks around looking like his forehead has an erection. I just hope to hell that his hair does not come on the woman that is trying to wash his hair.

Mokuba: A inflatable penis. So when he wants to play with it Seto will have to blow it up for him. Then it will remind him of what he wants to do with the pharaoh and he will cream himself while blowing up a toy. I just hope that I will be there to witness this and catch it all on tape. Ra, do I love you tube.

Marik: A new knife. All that flesh on the old one is dulling the blade. Can't have that can we? Then we will put the old knife in a glass case, sit back and enjoy the fine memories that we created with it.

Malik: A new eyeliner. He looks like he could use a good change. Maybe while I am at it I can get rid of that fagotty light purple shirt that he wore during Battle City. That was gayer that Ryou's little wool sweater.

Now I must pause for a laughter break.


	7. assholes in the car and tits in the mall

The diary of a real evil prickFriday

Sorry for the dealy people, I had some computer problems and I started on my new fanfiction staring Kyo Sohma. I hope to get back in the swing of things and continue writing this fic! Keep the reviews coming and I will continue to update. Anway, back to the story! I hope you all enjoy the show.

Today I am supposed to be heading to the shit-hole they call "the mall" or for you gansters out there, "Da Mall". Either way I would rather drink sprem from a blue whale then have to go through this horrifying event. Maybe I will be able to score a few phone numbers at the mall, so it won't be all that bad.

Boy was I fuckin' wrong. The traffic alone was enough to kill me! No, I was not allowed to drive to the mall. Ryou will not let me get my license becasue I am "a threat to humanity". What-the-fuck-ever! Sometimes if I am good, he will let me take the car out on the back roads. That is tons of fun! I always aim for the squirrels and the chipmonks that are running along the side of the road. The parking lot was like the fith ring of HELL! All of the children running everywhere and parents screaming! What pissed me off about this whole thing is: Ryou would not try to hit even one child. What kind of fucking driving is this? He was driving like Kaiba! Speaking of that dicklicking-asshole, we are to arrive at his house in 2 days time. You know what that means? I only have 2 days to find pants that will protect me from being anally raped.

Whille Ryou is looking for a parking space, I will go over my list to see what I have to pick op. Hmm. The pharaoh is all set; Marik and I jerkined it all night long to fill a gallon sized bucket of hair gel. I got Marik a new knife when I was out in the alley yesterday evening, so all set on his head. Ryou is almost done, I have to think of a few more things I would like to put in my cookbook for him. So far it is eight million pages; so that means I only have a few more pages to go. Joey is all set as well, I found a comb in the urinal of a porter potty down at the construction site. Who do I have left on my list? Yugi, Tristian, Tea, Kaiba, Mokuba and Malik.

Before I know it Ryou is chewing on my ear about what store we are going to go into first.

"We? Who the fuck are you bringing with you? I have my own fuckin' agenda!!"

"Does this include the lady who works at the pizza place in the food court?"  
"I dunno. It depends on if I can get all my shopping done. Maybe I will have time to get to her. "

"Tiome to get to her? I thought that you were dating her."

"I am, but I am also dating, Kelsey, Lidsay, Morriko, Hona, Saki, Rin and Kisa."

"WOW! How do you keep all of their names straight?!"

"Well, boy, check this shit out. I have a photo album, here of all the girls that I am currently dating with all of their information, likes/dislikes and photographs. This way I can date as many girls at I want without ever making any errors."

"You know your stuff. If only you could be this organized for school. Ya know, if you did then you would get much better grades and the teachers would like you a lot more. Maybe they would stop shooting darts at your pictures in the teachers lounge."

"They throw darts at my school pictures?!  
"Yeah, you and Marik both. You are really popluar in there. Yami, Yugi, Tea, Mailk and I are on the "shooting stars" board in there. "

Lord save me. At least Marik and I are not up on the same board with the pharaoh. That would be worse then having my nuts fed to a bulldog while they are still attatched to me...that is just wrong! How could I ever have a thought like that crrep into my head?

Before Ryou can say anymore stupid bullshit to me, I dash away leaving him to talk to himself infront of the dollar tree. What a stupid asshole! First stop on my list is the salon for Tristian. This should not take any time at all. Get in and get out. Just like last night's game plan! I will save going to get Mokuba's gift last because I know that I will get distracted while I am insode that sex store. Now what is the name of that fuckin' place that Marik told me about? Oh yeah! The Horney Egyptian. Nice name for a place, if I do say so myself. Into the salon I go. HOLY SHIT!! Every woman in here is slutty and hot. I guess that I should have saved this place for last. What the fuck was I here for?! Oh, yeah..gift certificate. I walk up to the girl at the desk, who tits are staring me straight in the face, calling out to me.

"Well good morning perky tits!"

"What the hell did you just say to me?"

"Nothing! Just thinking to myself here. Um, I was looking to perchase tits-I mean a gift certificate! How much would one of them cost?"

The woman sighs. "Well, it would depend on the package that you would like to perchase for your girlfriend."

"Oh it is not for my girlfriend. It is for a guy friend of mine. I am single at this time."

"That's great. How much would you like to put down?"

"Give me 100.00 one. That should get good enough for that fuckin' prick. You wanna go out sometimes?"

She looks up from the book that she is filling out, her tits winking me in the face! GODDAMN! "Um, no thank you. But I think that my mother might be interested." She points to the older woman sitting behind her putting her teeth in.

"What the fuck?! On second thought, I think that I better be going. I have a lot of shit to do today. So ladies." I grab the gift and get the fuck out of there. If I ever have to see that again, I hope that my eyeballs get ripped out. That was more horrying than watching Marik get a facial and a pedicure.

TO BE CONTINUED


	8. Assholes in the car and tits in mall 2

The Diary of a Real Evil Prick- Friday Part 2

AUTHOR'S NOTE : CONTAINS OFFENSIVE LANGUAGE AND CONCEPTS. PLEASE PEOPLE, THIS IS ONLY MEANT TO ENTERTAIN, NOT TO MAKE FUN OF A CERTIAN GROUP OF PEOPLE. THESE ARE NOT MY PERSONAL VIEWS ON PEOPLE AND THINGS, IT IS JUST AN ENTERTAINMENT FICTION PIECE SO DON'T GET YOUR PANTIES IN A KNOT OVER SOMETHING THAT I WROTE. IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, DON'T FUCKIN' READ IT. GOT THAT? OKAY! NOW THAT HAS BEEN SETTLED WE CAN MOVE ONTO THE CONTIUNUING PIECE OF THE DIARY OF A REAL EVIL PRICK. ALSO HOME DEPOT IS AN AMERICAN HARDWARE STORE, FOR THOSE WHO MIGHT NOT KNOW. THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE STORE ITSELF, JUST SAYING THAT I DID NOT COME UP WITH IT AND IT IS A REGISTERED TRADMARK. :) ONWARD!!

Well, thanks to the good Lord, Ra, I was able to make it out of that place with my manhood still in tact. Now I know why Ryou goes in there! He likes it old and sloppy. Now I know what to get him for Easter, but since that is a ways a way, I will place that into the back of my mind. (Where it will probably be forgotten.) That piece of shit should be greatful that I risked my life to go and get him this gift certificate. If not, I can always will him and hang his intestants out on the washline. (One must always have a back up plan.) So who is next on my goodies list? Ah, Yugi!

Yugi, Miracle Grow. Where the fuck will I find this shit at the mall? I am not going to Home Depot; if I go there I will end up having my balls fondled (and not in the good way.) The only people who work there are loer jock-sniffers, dykes and men trying to prove that they are not gay. I wonder if that is why Joey works at one of these places...I guess I can ask when I see him on Sunday. I head over to the mall directory and scan it to see if there are any planting stores in the mall. Hot shit there is one! Right next to the Horney Egyptian. It looks like things are looking up for me!! I race down to the middle section of the mall, looking for a store called "Flower Power". I push over eight old ladies, steal 12 lolly pops from children and knock a bishop into the fountain on my way there. "Closed be back in 10. WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT?!" I kick the door down and go inside. I glance around. "Wow. Look at all the shit in here!" I wonder down the eisles laughing and snickering at some of the fuckin' goofy names of some of the plants. In the back shelf is where I spot the Miracle Grow. When I am half way at the back shelf I hear a growling and I turn around expecting to see a dog standing behind me. But when I turn around it is not a dog behind me, it is a Venus Flytrap, or one of those fuckers that eat people! (And yes, I am still talking about the plant here people.)

Just as I am ready to get the fuck out of there, the plant reaches out and grabs me by the back of my jeans! Now at this part I am thinking, "HOLY SHIT! I AM GOING TO DIE!" I struggle and try to break the evil thing;s grip, but I have no such luck. As it drags me closer, I get out a pencil and my little notebook and start to write my will.

"The will of the great theif king; you know who the fuck this is!!"

Marik: you have been the best piece of shit that I could have asked for to pal around with. My thanks goes out to you and your bullshit, even though I caught you more than once fucking one of my many girlfriends. I hope that you will be able to make our dream of "Legal Muder Once A Month" come true and you enjoy yourself.

As for the rest of you fucks, I hated you all, but I liked hanging out with you because you let me be a complete asshole and let loose and have fun. Oh yeah, Ryou; I thought that you cooking was great and your dead mother was hot.

Sincerly,

Beloved Me

I finish writing just as I feel the saliva of the plant on my back. Before I know anything else it turns me around and gives me a big sloppy kiss on my cheek. "What the fuck?" I ask the plant, not expecting a relpy back. The plant hugs me and I decide that he is okay. I ask it if it wants to come home with me and it shakes it's head in agreement. "Alright! Just letme snag this shit." I grab the Miracle Grow off the shelf and head out the door with my new friend.

"Wanna stop at the Horney Egyptian with me? Or would you rather wait outside?" The plant decides to come in with me and I hold the door open for him. (I would never impose on a new friendship. That is not poliete.) While inside I am able to pick up the pjs that I needed for Kaiba and the toy for Mokuba. It has been a rather good day, if you ask me. And I am able to pick up a great new edition of "Egyptians gone whild." So I guess that I will not be totally bored at Kaiba's place on Sunday. I just hope that he has a fuckin' VCR. My arms full of bags I hurry out to meet Ryou who said that he would be waiting for me infront of the food court.

"Ready to go?" He asks me, his arms full of bags too.

"Does it look like I am ready to get the fuck out of here?"

"Sorry I asked. Oh, who is your friend there?"

"What friend? Oh him! The one on wheels? I met him when I was shopping, his name is DuetchBag."

"Excuse me?!"

"He's German. Just forget about it! Go out and bring the fuckin' car around to pick us up!"

"You speak German?"

"Just go! Get the fuckin' car!!"

On the way home Ryou asks what we want for dinner. I lean back when Duetchy taps me on the shoulder with one of his leaves. "Yeah? Oh, you want that for dinner. Okay, I guess he could make that for you." I turn back around. "Ryou, Duetchy says that he wants fried pig intestants for dinner." He nearly hits the car in front of us.


End file.
